Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
