You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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