please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
worst night to have a conscience
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize