You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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