Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
