I look better un-naked...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
