we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
