does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
