Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
