Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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