She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
