Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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