I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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