can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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