There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
