I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
