just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I stole a fireplace last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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