If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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