I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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