I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
