I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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