Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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