Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
