I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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