My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
