My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
