I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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