i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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