walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
