the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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