So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im six kinds of drunk right now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
