my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
