I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
