Are you guys doing anything tonight?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.