But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment