and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?