apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk