Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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