My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
