so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm bleeding and have questions
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
