I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You don't make any sense
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