We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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