I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
