theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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