I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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