Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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