all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
