I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
