dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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