I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
