Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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