i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
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Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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