just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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