if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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