The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
