there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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