She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
