There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
