If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
