you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
