I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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