I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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