it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
